I started seeing escorts about three years after the divorce. I want to be upfront about that because the reason I started matters for understanding where I am now compared to where I was.
The divorce was messy in the way divorces are when there are kids involved and a house to sell and eight years of decisions to disentangle. I was living in a flat in Stretford with a mattress on the floor for the first four months because I kept putting off buying a bed frame. That probably tells you enough about my headspace at the time.
I was lonely. Not in a romantic way, not specifically. Just in the way you get when you're used to having someone around and then there's no one around and the flat is quiet. I started doing more stuff alone, football, the pub, which helped and didn't help in equal parts. Then a mate told me about this, I thought about it for about three weeks, and I did it.
That first time was awkward. Not badly so. She was very good at her job and I was clearly nervous and she handled it well. But there was a moment right at the start where I thought: what exactly am I doing here. Not morally. Just literally. I'd just arrived at a flat I'd never been to, to spend time with someone I'd never met, and the whole thing felt unreal. Then it wasn't unreal anymore. Then I went home.
Second time was much easier. Third felt normal. Which is a thing I think about: how quickly something becomes normal. How the brain adapts.
Five years on now. My situation is different. Better flat. Kids every other weekend and that's working. I've rebuilt a social life. I don't need it in the same way I did at the start. But I still do it, on and off, maybe once a month. Because I choose to, not because there's nothing else. That feels like a distinction worth making.
What it's given me, and I feel a bit odd saying this, is a very honest understanding of what I actually want from company. When you've paid for it explicitly you can't kid yourself about the transaction. You know what you're getting and why. That clarity ended up leaking into my non-paid relationships in a way that I think was actually useful. Less pretending. More saying what I actually want.
Do I think about the women? Yeah. I try not to project a load of assumptions onto their situations. I assume they've made choices I don't have full context for. I try to be considerate, don't push beyond what's been agreed, leave when I should leave. Whether that makes me a good client or just a basic functional one, I don't know. Probably just basic functional.
I'm writing this because I think there are a lot of men doing this who never talk about it to anyone. I've told two people in my life: the mate who told me in the first place, and one other friend I trust completely. Everyone else thinks my Thursday afternoons are the gym. The gym is not that interesting to me. But this isn't a conversation most men know how to have.
If you've got questions I'm happy to answer in the comments. Except the football. I'll say United and leave it at that. I don't need that drama on top of everything else.